


Rose, Alexis Rose

by whetherwoman



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Don't Try This At Home, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Implausible escape tactics, Shadowy international mafia, Sibling Bonding, sibling shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-05-12 19:37:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19235740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whetherwoman/pseuds/whetherwoman
Summary: Alexis just wants David to have a nice, relaxing day before his wedding.At least, until Ted goes missing.





	Rose, Alexis Rose

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Asanamu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asanamu/gifts).



> Hi Asanamu, I hope you enjoy this and it comes close to what you were hoping for! Alexis kind of... ran away with the story a little bit.

When Alexis woke up, David was already in the shower. He was singing some horrible old sappy song, disgustingly happy and very off-key. Alexis let herself lie in bed for a count of ten, then got up to go knock on the bathroom door. 

It was the day before David’s wedding, and they had a lot to do.

“David!” She tapped delicately and gracefully on the bathroom door, with her whole fist. “David! You sound like you’re killing a cat in there!”

“Oh my god!” The water shut off. 

Alexis smiled victoriously. Six months in the Galapagos clearly hadn’t made her lose her touch. Although Ted had to stay until the last minute for his final research presentation, she’d flown back to Toronto the previous day. Unfortunately, she hadn’t gotten into Schitt’s Creek until very late due to a teeny misunderstanding in customs after flying into Miami, related to a really minor international smuggling incident that was, like, years and years ago and honestly blown way out of proportion. Then after she finally made it into Canada, her bus from Toronto had blown a tire and somehow no one else on the bus had known how to use a lug wrench or a jack. Anyway, she’d let herself into her old room at the motel in the wee hours in the morning without waking up David, snoring away in his old murder bed like the little hedgehog he was. The plan had been for David and Alexis to stay at the motel before the wedding for some “family togetherness time” (Dad) and “a brief separation of the newly-weds-to-be to heighten the anticipation” (Mom) and “oh my god Alexis can you just humor them for once in your life.” That was David, obviously—poor muskrat was clearly super lonely while his life-partner-to-be was spending his last bachelor week camping in the woods with both the Bob’s Garage and Cafe Tropical baseball teams. Alexis shuddered delicately—she’d had no problem roughing it in the Galapagos (they only let her use the solar shower once a day, oh my god), but of course David was a lot more fragile. When they’d talked on the phone a month ago, he’d insisted that he’d been invited to the bachelor camping trip as an honorary team member but was simply choosing not to go, his voice tinny and shrill over the long distance connection. 

“I was the VIP!” he’d said.

“Oh my god, it’s MVP, even I know that.”

“Right, because you know so much about sports... people... Anyway, how are you? Got any rotting flesh wounds yet?”

“Ew, David, gross! ... okay, just one, but it’s only like six inches big so far.”

“What, seriously? Do you even have antibiotics there? I’ll have them shipped overnight, I’ll just get—”

“David, oh my god, it was just a joke! Anyway, gotta go, bye.” He didn’t stop talking, though, so she’d just said, “Byeee!” again and hung up. She’d almost forgotten how David always took things so seriously when she was out of the country, ugh, what a drag. The phone connection had been terrible anyway.

But she’d made it home for their wedding prep slash sibling bonding time. Stevie’d had her turn at David the previous night, and frankly Alexis was surprised David wasn’t still drunk. Today Stevie was in charge of preventing Mom and Dad from causing too much chaos. Or maybe it was the other way around, Alexis wasn’t sure. Anyway, today was all about sweet loving togetherness time with her affectionate older brother.

David burst out of the bathroom, towel wrapped around his waist and hair dripping into his eyes. “You’d better not be opening my hand cream, I can hear you!”

Alexis started guiltily and put the open jar behind her back. “I wasn’t—I was just—ugh, David.” She handed the cream over and glared at David as he swept back into the bathroom and slammed the door behind him. She’d missed that moisturizer, okay, and her skin was super dry and she genuinely needed it. Even if her tan did look great. Now David was going to be in there for like an hour, and they seriously did have so much to do today. And mani-pedis were, like, third on the list, so she genuinely didn’t know if her hands could wait until then.

But David actually came out in a reasonable amount of time, and he put the jar of hand cream on the table right in front of her which was basically permission, and also probably meant he’d noticed how ugly her cuticles were. Mani-pedi, Alexis reminded herself, just hang on until the mani-pedi, little cuticles. Cutie cuticles. Oh, now she missed Ted. 

She looked at her phone. Ted should be getting into Miami right about now, actually, and he’d promised to call right after he landed. And of course after the flight attendant said it was okay for the passengers to take out their phones, because Ted was just such a sweetie, and so nice to everyone, and very handsome.

It also probably meant David was stressing out, if he was being nice to her. She looked at him critically. Yep, jerky movements, giant undereye bags, twisting his rings around. Definitely stressing. Those bags under his eyes were seriously huge. They might just be hangover bags, though.

“... and we have to get to Simone’s studio before three, I was supposed to pick up the rings two days ago but she has such weird hours that I—what? What?”

“What? I don’t know,” Alexis said. Should she tell him about the undereye bags? She shouldn’t. 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” David stood in the middle of the tiny motel room, all stark black clothes and nervous energy, defensive and anxious and about to marry the love of his fucking life, and Alexis felt her heart fill with what Ted had once told her was the feeling of missing someone. Even though David was right here. It didn’t feel bad, though, not really. 

“Nothing.” She stood up and patted David’s arm on her way into the bathroom. “We are going to have such a good day, and we are going to get everything done, and everything is going to be just perfect for you.”

She looked at her phone again, though, one more time, then put it down firmly. Today was about David, and she was not going to start it off by moping around about her ridiculously adorable boyfriend, even if she hadn’t seen him in like thirty full hours.

* * *

It took less than half way to Elmdale before she completely gave up on that idea. “Do you think I should text him? I should text him,” she said, rapidly opening and closing WhatsApp. 

“So text him,” David said. His eyes were fixed on the road and his hands were at ten and two on the wheel. Ugh, was he driving the speed limit? “Text him and stop talking to me about it.”

“I mean, he’s probably just stuck on the runway. Or his phone is out of batteries.” She opened her texts, then closed them again. “Or there was, like, a vet emergency in the airport and he had to give a puppy mouth to mouth resuscitation.”

“Ew,” David said, heartfelt. “Never say that again. Anyway, what if we talk about me? I’m getting married, you know.”

“Obviously,” Alexis said, but she put her phone away. Ted was totally fine and he would call whenever he could. “So, flowers first?”

“Um, _no_ , flowers last because they’re not going to sit in the car all day.”

“I know that, David, I just meant we should go talk to the florist. What if she got some seasonal blooms in this morning?”

“Oh.” David frowned, and Alexis preened. No matter how many times it’s happened, David always had such a good face journey when he realized she was right. “Right, flowers first and last—we’ll just go chat a bit, and then do the pick up later. But she might have gotten in some blue ranunculus, I’ve asked her for that probably ten times and all she says is that ranunculus are out of season and apparently they don’t come in blue, which is like, why do you even have a garden if not to grow things in different colors, right?”

“Absolutely,” Alexis said sincerely, and settled in. David was always at his best when making aesthetic judgment calls, and she was going to make sure he had the best day before his wedding any sister had ever given her brother. She knew she could keep his anxious little mind fully occupied. No freakouts on her watch.

* * *

Alexis was freaking out. Ted hadn’t called when they were at the flower shop, and hadn’t called when they were picking up David’s shoes, or when they were picking up Patrick’s shoes at the completely different shop, and now they were at the suit shop and David was waffling back and forth over whether to ask for his pant hems to be raised another eighth of an inch, for literally hours and hours, and she still hadn’t gotten that mani-pedi, and where the hell was Ted?

Her phone rang.

“Um, I’ll be—right back,” she said, and ran out the door with David’s infuriated yelp ringing in her ears. Whatever, he didn’t need her to witness him be indecisive for another six hours until he inevitably decided to leave it exactly as it was. “Ted? Babe! Where are you?”

“Well, that’s a good question,” came Ted’s cheerful voice from her phone, and she actually felt a little dizzy she was so relieved. “Because I’ve had kind of a funny morning.”

“Yeah? Tell me all about it, babe. Are you still in Miami? Did they delay your flight?” She found a bench down the block from the suit shop and sat down, smoothing her skirt over her thighs.

“No, my flight was fine. I actually sat next to this really lovely lady who told me all about her issues with her pug, and I think I was really able to help. I mean, offering advice was the _leashed_ I could do.”

“Aw, so sweet,” Alexis said. David was actually leaning out the door of the shop and glaring at her, ugh. “Listen, babe, I gotta go, David and I are kind of in the middle of—”

“Actually,” Ted said, and Alexis frowned. Ted never interrupted her. “There’s kind of this... thing? That I need your help with?”

“I’m listening,” Alexis said. She turned her back to David pointedly, and could hear a faint “Ugh!” from all the way down the block.

“It’s kind of a long story, and I don’t think I have much time, but... well, after I got off the plane there were these... these people? They had my name on a sign, and they were, well, they were insistent, I guess, that I go with them, so I did, but they had this van and—well, long story short, I’ve actually got you on speakerphone, because I had to voice activate my phone, because my hands are taped together right now.”

“Oh,” said Alexis. She wasn’t sure how she felt about that.

“So could you just tell me how to get out of this? Because I can’t remember,” Ted said humbly.

“Oh!” Alexis said again. She could do that. “Yeah, you just bring your hands way high over your head, then bring them down super fast.”

She heard a ripping sound in the background, then Ted’s voice again, a lot closer, still cheerful. “Thanks, babe! Listen, I gotta go, they’re coming down the stairs.”

And then the call ended.

She stared at her phone.

That was weird.

She had twenty texts, though. They were all from David.

She stood up, and walked back up the block. At least the break had helped her clear her head a little—David definitely needed those hems raised, ankles were super in right now and also his shoes were very cool and needed to be emphasized more.

* * *

They had finally arrived at the nail salon and Alexis was staring dreamily at her left hand, the nail technician carefully covering her nails with the pale pink David had literally shoved her out of the way to grab when they walked in. “Classic,” he’d said, waving it in her face. “Classic and classy, so definitely a bold move for you.” Alexis had rolled her eyes, but it did look very good on her poor weatherbeaten hands. She’d probably have picked a slightly darker shade, left to herself, but for someone who literally never wore color, David had an absurdly good eye for it.

Her phone buzzed.

Without thinking she scrambled for her bag and grabbed her phone. “Hello?” she said, even as the nail technician gasped in horror. Right, wet nail polish, that probably... wasn’t great.

“Hey babe!” Ted said. Whispered. He was really quiet.

“Babe!” she said, and David said, “Oh my god!” She flapped one hand at him to be quiet. “Babe, what’s going on?”

“Well, I got out of the basement,” Ted said, “so that was pretty great! I really appreciate your help.”

“Aw, thanks, sweetie,” she said. She deliberately turned her back on David and his increasingly absurd faces. “You know I’ll do whatever I can to help you, any time.”

“That’s great!” Ted said. “Because I actually need some more help. Right now. If you have time.”

“I always have time for you,” Alexis said. The nail technician rolled her eyes and actually walked away, ugh. Oh well, she’d come back later. Probably.

“Okay, so, uh, how do you jump out of a second story window?”

“Oh, I know this one!” Alexis said, excited. “When I was in Jakarta, there was this earthquake that totally blocked the hotel stairs, and then Mary Kate broke her wrist, so after I set it I had to—”

“Babe!” Ted whispered. “Focus!”

“Right,” Alexis said. “Um, so, like, what’s the ground outside like?”

“It’s just a street,” Ted said. “Asphalt. I’d kind of, uh, like it if people didn’t see or hear me either.”

“Oh, definitely,” Alexis reassured him. “That’s almost always important. But, like, are there any bushes or anything?”

“No,” Ted said. “There’s some trash bags, though.”

“Oh, perfect! Okay, so all you want to do is turn around while you’re getting out and lower yourself down, like hold on as long as you can.”

“Okay,” Ted said. “I can do that. Okay.”

“Bend your knees when you land,” Alexis advised. “And don’t forget to push away when you let go!” she added hastily, as some thumping and rustling sounds came through the phone. “Babe?” she said, after a second.

“I’m good, I’m okay,” Ted said, and she heaved a sigh of relief. “I think they heard that, though, so I’m gonna run. Love you, kisses!”

“Wait, where—” she started. But he had already hung up.

“What. The fuck,” David said loudly.

She jerked her head up guiltily. “What?” she said. She didn’t even sound convincing to herself.

“What the fuck!” David repeated. “Okay, first of all, you’ve absolutely ruined your nails, they’re going to have to remove that and start again, which is going to throw us completely off schedule. And second of all, what the _fuck_ is going on with Ted?”

Alexis thought very quickly. David was clearly stressed about the schedule thing, which she did honestly feel bad about, and also he did not have a history of super good reactions to people in different countries being kidnapped by shadowy smuggling gangs, which she was relatively sure was what was actually going on with Ted. And also David was getting married tomorrow, to his sweet, smart, very even-keeled business partner, and probably he was very done with the whole rescuing people from shadowy smuggling gangs thing and just wanted his sweet small-town life where literally the most exciting thing that had happened to him in the last five years was being pinch hitter for a terrible cafe’s baseball team.

So she said, “Oh my god, I can’t even believe it. He found this kitten in the bushes, actually a whole nest of kittens, and he got stuck in the bushes trying to get them out, and he called me for advice, and then he said, _cat_ it in one, because he got them all in one try, and—”

“Okay,” David said loudly. “No, nope, I do not need to hear Ted’s puns, that’s enough. Also it’s a litter of cats, not a nest of cats.”

“Ew, David,” Alexis said thankfully. “They’re not trash.”

“That’s not—it’s not a—ugh!” David said. “I need toenail polish to deal with this.”

“Oo, get the sparkly gold,” Alexis said, sending a mental apology to Patrick. At least he was the only one who would see them. And he would probably think it was funny. Probably. She hoped he didn’t tease David about it too much.

* * *

They were at the bakery when her phone rang again. It was actually timed really well, because David’s mouth was completely full of cupcake, so when Alexis said, “Oops, gotta take this, I’ll just step outside for a min,” David’s muffled attempts at yelling were very easy to ignore.

She stepped around the corner into a little back alleyway, out of sight from the door of the bakery, and jabbed at her phone. “Ted?”

“Babe!” Ted yelled. There was some kind of... roaring in the background? “Hey, I hate to keep interrupting your day with David, but if you have a minute I was hoping you could maybe help me with a little—”

“Yes!” Alexis interrupted. “Yes, babe, totally, just tell me what you—where are you?”

“Well, that’s actually my question,” Ted yelled. “I managed to hotwire this motorcycle but now I’m in this weird suburban neighborhood, it’s like Stepford Wives or something, and anyway I can’t find—”

“Ted!” Alexis shrieked. “You’re riding a motorcycle? While you’re talking on a cell phone?”

“Yes?” Ted said. “Oops, hang on, sharp turn—” The background roaring noise got louder for a second, then tapered off. “Yeah, babe, I’m talking to you, so obviously I’m on my phone.”

“That’s not what I—Ted, that’s not safe!”

“Right,” Ted said. “See, the thing is, these guys with black face masks threw me in the back of a van, then spent a lot of time waving a gun at me and asking ominous questions, and now they’re _chasing me through residential neighborhoods_ while I try to escape on this _motorcycle I hotwired_. So maybe we could talk about driving safety later?”

“Right,” Alexis said, and took a deep breath. “Right. What do you need me to do?”

“Right,” Ted said. He sounded relieved, and Alexis bit her lip and reminded herself to stay calm. No more freaking out—Ted needed her. “I thought this neighborhood would be a great place to lose the guys chasing me, but it worked a little too well and now I’m lost too. Could you look at a map on your phone and tell me where to turn?”

“Yes,” said Alexis. “Yeah. Hold on, I’m putting you on speaker.”

“Awesome!” Ted said. “Texting you my location.”

Alexis bit her lip and decided not to ask how he was going to safely _text_ while driving a _motorcycle_. Her phone buzzed. She opened up her map.

“Okay,” she said. “Okay, you’re on Franklin. Coming up is Fraser, take a right. Then right on Atlantic, left on Elizabeth.”

“I’m there,” Ted said. “Looks like a straight shot on Elizabeth, what next?”

“Okay, then turn right when you get to Chemin du Souvenir, and—ooo, there’s a Tim Hortons on the corner!”

“Oh, cool!” Ted said. “I haven’t been to Timmies in ages. I can’t believe they haven’t opened one in Elmdale.”

“I know, right?” said Alexis. “You should totally go there, it’s actually an awesome place to hide out, I’ve done that like dozens of times when I was on the run from shadowy international gangs. Just ditch the motorcycle somewhere out of sight, then go find some lonely old man and sit down next to him and chat him up, nobody will look twice at you.”

“Got it,” Ted said. “You’re the best, babe. Okay, talk soon!”

The call ended. 

“What. The fuck,” David said behind her. 

Alexis shrieked and spun around. “Oh my god, David! You gave me a heart attack?”

“Did I?” David said. His arms were crossed, which was never good. “Did _I_ give you a heart attack?”

Alexis chewed her lip. “Okay, so, how much of that did you hear?”

“Enough!” David yelled. He uncrossed his arms and started waving them around. “Oh my god, Alexis, when were you going to tell me Ted was on the run from a shadowy international mafia?”

“Um, I wasn’t!” Alexis yelled back. Seriously, he was mad at her now? “I wasn’t, because you’re getting married tomorrow, and you freak out about stuff like this and act like—like an ostrich, and you deserve to have a life that’s not about saving people from kidnapping disasters and I just wanted you to have a good day!”

“Oh,” David said. He looked away. “Um. Thanks, I guess.”

“Yeah,” Alexis said. She hadn’t actually meant to say that. 

“It’s just—I am good at this,” David said, meeting her eyes again. “At helping people when they’ve been kidnapped by shadowy international mafia. I have a lot of practice. Like, a lot.”

“Okay,” Alexis said, rolling her eyes and trying to hide her smile. “Is that you offering to help?”

“Is this you _asking_ for help?” David spat back. 

Alexis bit her lip. “I... yeah. Yeah, I am, actually, because Ted is on the run from a shadowy international mafia, oh my god, David, what am I going to _do_?” All of a sudden she was blinking back tears, and her voice hit a really unattractively high pitch, and she just wanted a fucking hug.

“Okay,” David said, and stepped forward and wrapped his arms around her. She froze for a second, because wait, David was voluntarily hugging her? She hadn’t asked, she knew she hadn’t. But her arms crept up around his waist, and then she buried her head in his shoulder and squeezed him back.

Finally she said, “Okay,” and stepped back. She blinked her eyes rapidly and maybe sniffed a bit, once or twice.

“Ew,” David said. “Don’t get snot on my shirt.”

“Ew,” Alexis said halfheartedly, and sniffed again.

“Come on,” David said. “Let’s get back to the car.”

“But—the bakery?”

“Yeah, I was done in there anyway.”

Alexis blinked. “You were done? With chocolate cupcakes?”

David made a complicated face. “I mean. The flavors were finalized a week ago, so...”

Alexis gaped at him, delighted. “David!” She slapped his arm. “Did we literally just go there so you could get a snack?”

“No,” David said. “Definitely not, that was important... wedding related... come on, your boyfriend needs rescuing.”

“Right,” Alexis said, and followed him to the car. “Wait, where are we going?”

“Um, he just gave you his location, right?”

“Oh,” Alexis said, and pulled out her phone. “Oh my god—he’s in Montreal? That’s only like five hours away! I thought he was—that they’d taken him to—ugh.” She swallowed and blinked some more. “Okay, David, let’s go, come on!” She pushed past him and started trotting towards the car.

“Seriously?” David said, but he hurried to catch up, so she didn’t care.

* * *

“Okay,” David said once they were in the car. He was driving again, ugh, but at least he was going at a reasonable speed this time. “So, tell me what you know about these people so far.”

“Um, nothing!” Alexis said. “He said they met him at the airport with a sign, and they put him in a van, and they tied him up with duct tape and he had to jump out of a window and—”

“Okay, okay, hold on,” David said. “They had a sign with his name on it at the airport? How did they know his name?”

“I don’t know!” Her voice was getting shrill again. “I don’t know, David, he hasn’t told me anything! He just keeps calling and he needs things and he won’t tell me and I can’t—I can’t—”

“Okay,” David said softly. “I know. It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not,” she said. He was sneaking looks at her out of the corner of his eye. She hated it. She turned away to look out the window. 

“No, it’s not,” he said. “But it will be.”

She swallowed. “Okay,” she said. “It will.”

They were quiet for a few minutes.

“Was it like this?” she asked. Her voice sounded terribly young. “For you?”

He didn’t look at her. “Every time.”

She bit her lip, and they sat in silence some more. 

“Okay, but it is kind of fun,” she burst out. “It’s exciting. A little bit exciting.”

He kept his eyes on the road, but the corner of his mouth snuck up into a little smile. “It’s a little bit exciting.”

Then the phone rang. 

Alexis scrambled for her phone for a panicky few seconds until she realized it wasn’t her phone ringing, it was David’s.

“Oh my god,” David said, realizing the same thing. “Oh my god, it’s Patrick.”

Alexis grabbed David’s phone, which said FIANCÉ on the incoming call. “Should I answer? What are you going to tell him?”

“I have to tell him something, I’m on my way to Montreal the day before our wedding! Fuck, okay, put him on speaker and _don’t_ say a word.”

Alexis mimed zipping her lips closed and put the call on speaker. 

“Heeeey!” David said. God, he was such a bad actor. 

“David, where are you?” Patrick’s voice was staticky and a little annoyed. “I just got home, I thought you’d be back by now.”

“Haha, funny thing,” David said. “I’m actually really glad you called, I’m going to need you to pick up the rings from Simone.”

“What? David, you were going to get those a week ago!”

“Okay, but her hours are so weird, and she’s right next to the bakery, and—”

“Right,” Patrick said, and Alexis bit her lip against a giggle at his tone. “Back up a sec, though, why do you need me to pick up the rings today? I thought you and Alexis were doing all the Elmdale wedding errands."

David laughed awkwardly. “We’re actually, uh, in the car right now, a thing came up and we had to go to, uh...”

“Where, David?”

David coughed. “Montreal.”

“Montre—David.”

“Yes?”

“Should I ask why you’re going to Montreal?”

David hesitated. “No?”

“... Is this Alexis’s fault?”

David hesitated longer, until Alexis glared and whapped him on the shoulder. “No?” he said again, even more unconvincingly, ugh.

“Uh huh. Is she listening right now?”

Alexis widened her eyes at David. He made a face, sighed, and said, “Yes.”

Alexis cleared her throat. “Hi, Patrick.”

“Hey, Alexis.” Patrick sounded pretty deadpan to Alexis, but David’s mouth was going down at the corners the way it did when he was trying not to laugh, so probably things were okay. “I won’t ask, and I will go pick up the rings, but I definitely want an explanation when you get home. Uh, you will get home tonight, right?”

“Definitely, yep, yes!” David said, a little high pitched. “Um, but there is one more thing. You know the small green bag on the top shelf of the closet? All the way to the right?”

“Oh,” said Patrick, in an entirely different tone. “That kind of trip to Montreal, huh?”

“Yeah,” David said. “It’s probably not a big deal, but, uh, just in case, could you get out the red notebook and find Harvey’s number and just let him know I’m on my way? Harvey in the red notebook, _not_ Harvey in the blue notebook.”

“Right,” Patrick said, “Yep, give Harvey a call. Not a big deal.”

“Um, and if he gets fussy about it, ask him if he remembers that night in Prague.”

“Uh huh,” Patrick said. “In Prague.”

“Oh my god, no, it wasn’t—he is very straight, it was just a—” 

“It’s fine, David,” Patrick said, definitely amused now. “I’ll call Harvey, tell him you’ll be there soon—”

“Two hours,” David said, glancing at the speedometer. “No, ninety minutes."

“Got it,” Patrick said. “Hey, you did at least decide on the cupcake flavors, though, right?”

“Oh, right, yes, I did decide that, today, on this trip,” David said, glaring warningly at Alexis. She kept her mouth shut and blinked innocently at him. “Had to try some new flavors that just came in, but I ended up picking chocolate whiskey and salted caramel.”

“Mm,” Patrick said. “Those were my favorite too.”

“I know,” said David, and his face was so mushy and gross that Alexis had to look away.

“Okay,” Patrick said. “Love you. See you soon.”

“Love you too,” David said softly, and Alexis ended the call.

* * *

Harvey turned out to be about 90 years old, and the back of his car repair shop had the widest selection of spy tech and disguises Alexis had ever seen. He also had a police scanner, and was able to tell them that a report had come in about an hour ago about a brawl in a Tim Hortons on Route 117 near the intersection of Chemin du Souvenir. Apparently all the participants had fled before any officials got there, but Alexis had a gut feeling that Ted had been there and now he was back in the hands of his kidnappers. And she’d learned to trust her gut.

“The thing is,” David said, as he rapidly dug through a rack of suits, “this sounds to me like the Rizutto family. But I don’t know why they would have kidnapped Ted, they like you.”

“They do?” Alexis said. She was behind a curtain in a tiny makeshift dressing room, slipping into her own pant suit. “Why do they like me? Also, who are they?”

“Oh my god,” David said disgustedly. “You’ve literally never read the news in your life, have you. And I have no idea why they like you, why don’t you know why they like you?”

“Everyone likes me, David,” Alexis said reasonably. She smoothed the stockings up her calf and slid her feet into some heels. Harvey had warned her that the stilettos were steel-reinforced and could be used to stab people as needed, which was reassuring. “How do you know the Rizzos or whoever like me?”

“I keep track, Alexis, what did you think I kept journals for? And no, not everyone likes you, and somebody needs to keep track of who you’ve pissed off. Okay, that works.” David looked her up and down with a critical eye as she emerged. “Boring but powerful—we want them to think we’re from an up and coming rival family and too dangerous to cross. I think we’re French-Canadian, my French is passable.”

Alexis stared at him. “You speak French?”

David stared back. “You don’t?”

“Uh, no, David.”

“Everyone speaks French, Alexis.” 

“I don’t!” 

“You speak Arabic and Bengali and Urdu!” David waved his hands around.

“Well, I don’t speak French!” 

“Ugh. I guess you can be the silent partner then.” He grabbed a suit and stalked into the dressing room.

“Ugh,” Alexis said to his back.

“Anyway,” David yelled from behind the curtain. “Harvey knows a guy who knows a guy who can pass along a message, so even if it’s not the Rizzutos, whoever has Ted will show up at the drop point. And then we just have to convince them to hand him over. Without any money, or drugs, or backup, or... um, I guess we’re just bluffing, basically.”

“Right,” Alexis said, trying to sound confident. She fumbled through her bag for some backup lipstick—this definitely called for dark red.

* * *

The first three people who walked into the hotel room Harvey had told them to go to were pretty intimidating. Not as intimidating as the bouncers at Le Montana, of course, but definitely scarier than that one guy who used to be Rihanna’s brother’s bodyguard who liked throwing knives for fun. Their suits were way nicer than hers and also clearly concealed multiple guns, and they all had both scars and tattoos peeking out the collars and cuffs. She stole a glance at David, but his face didn’t show a thing. 

When the fourth person walked into the room, Alexis sat up straight and said, “Giulia?”

The woman stopped sharply and stared at her. “Alexis? What are you doing here?” 

“Oh my god!” Alexis shrieked, and jumped up and ran to give her a hug. She was definitely carrying at least one or two guns as well, but it was Giulia, Giulia always had guns, it was one of Alexis’ favorite things about her.

“Okay,” she heard David say behind her, “this is fine, you can put down the guns, this is not a problem here.”

“Put them down,” Giulia said, hugging Alexis back, and Alexis didn’t worry about it anymore. “Alexis, you look great—where have you been? No one’s heard anything from you in years!”

“Oh, that’s a funny story,” Alexis said breezily, and took a casual step back. “What about you? Oh my god, Giulia, it’s been, like, literally years, I was practically a baby.”

“Mm,” Giulia agreed, smiling fondly. “Maldives, 2005. You were a child, you were what, seventeen? Younger? A tiny, terrifying child.” Her eyes sharpened. “And you saved my life, and I don’t forget what I owe. So again—what are you doing here?”

“Funny you should ask,” David interjected. He was standing now, chin stuck out, but still with that scary blank look on his face. “We were told you might be able to help us find Ted Mullens.”

“That’s my brother,” Alexis added hastily, seeing Giulia’s eyebrows raise. “This is my brother, I mean, this is David, Ted’s not my brother, ew.”

“Ted,” Giulia repeated. She was still looking at David, which Alexis vaguely felt like she should resent but actually made her feel a teeny bit grateful. “Let’s assume I don’t know who _Ted_ is.”

“He’s my boyfriend!”

Giulia snorted. “Aren’t they all.”

“No, he’s my boyfriend. He’s, like, really my boyfriend.”

Giulia looked back at her, eyebrows still raised. Then she nodded and reached up to touch something behind her ear. She was wearing an earpiece? Wow, she was totally wearing an earpiece.

With hardly a pause, the door opened again, and two other creepy guys walked in, holding Ted in between them. Alexis felt like she’d been punched in the chest, and couldn’t get out more than a squeak before she was running to Ted and in his arms. She kissed him and petted his head and felt his hands come up around her waist and kissed him again and surreptitiously poked at his torso—no broken ribs, no cuts, oh thank god he was all right. She felt Ted’s arms come around her as he murmured in her ear, “I have never meant anything more in my life—Alexis, it is so good to see you.”

“So, boyfriend,” she heard Giulia say dryly behind her.

“Yep,” David said. “They’re, uh. Like this.”

But that didn’t matter because Ted was smiling at her. He was dirty, and looked tired, and his hands were warm on her waist and he was smiling. “Babe,” he said. “Are you okay?”

“Am I—Ted!” She let go of him long enough to hit him on the arm. “I’m fine, are _you_ okay, you got _kidnapped_ —oh my god, Ted, you were kidnapped!” She grabbed on to him again and put her face in his shoulder to hide the sudden prickling in her eyes. He smelled like sweat and leather and sunshine. She felt him kiss the top of her head, once, twice, and squeezed him harder. 

“About that,” David said. “If you’re such good friends with Alexis, why did you kidnap her boyfriend?”

Ted pulled back. “You’re _friends_ with her?”

“Um, yes, and a good thing too,” Alexis said tartly. “That’s the only reason you’re safe, babe.”

“I mean, I did jump out a window and—” Ted started, but Alexis shushed him. She wanted to hear what Giulia was telling David. 

“—he stupidly thought feeding the microchip to a penguin would keep it safe,” Giulia was saying. “And believe me, we’ve already had words about that, because of course the bird disappeared. We spent weeks searching for it, we must have trapped half the penguins on the island.”

“You trapped—” Ted started indignantly, but Giulia interrupted him with a glare.

“ _And_ released them unharmed, I know they’re endangered, we’re not monsters.”

Ted looked like he was about to say something else, but Alexis elbowed him in the side, hard, and he subsided. 

“As I was saying,” Giulia continued, still glaring at Ted, “by the time we realized the fucking thing had been taken into the lab under the supervision of a certain Dr. Theodore Mullens, he was leaving the country the next morning and we had to move fast. Usually we do try not to be quite so heavy handed,” she added, almost apologetically. 

“So... it wasn’t anything to do with me?” Alexis’s throat felt tight. “I thought I had—there was this thing in customs when I flew back, I thought that had sent up some sort of red flag, that someone realized they could use Ted to—” She couldn’t continue. 

“Not at all,” Giulia said gently. “We just needed to find that penguin. Speaking of—”

“Oh! Oh,” Ted said. “You must mean Fred.”

“Fred?” David said, half-choked. 

“They were super cute,” Alexis told him. “There were three penguins, Fred, Ned, and Red. Ted named them.”

“Oh my god,” David said. 

“But, babe,” Alexis said, turning to Ted, “why do you think it was Fred? Was he—did he have like a gang tattoo or something?”

“Uh,” Ted said. “Well. I’m pretty sure it was Fred. It was kind of—memorable. The first night he was in the lab, there was a—um. He was—he had a—there was some—”

“Some what?” Giulia said, and Alexis elbowed Ted again quickly before anyone lost their patience. 

“Poop!” Ted said. “Fred pooped all over the lab, and I mean _all_ over the lab, which is especially impressive since he stayed in his cage the whole time. But, uh, if he had eaten something that disagreed with him, like—like a microchip—”

“Right,” Giulia said. “Any chance you know where that microchip might be now, since it’s no longer in the penguin?”

“I really—” Ted said, looking nauseated. “We really did not look that closely.”

Giulia sighed. “I see. Well, Ted, it was very nice to meet you, and now I need to go talk to some people about getting some information. And Alexis? I really am very sorry about the hassle.”

“Oh! No biggie,” Alexis said doubtfully.

“Actually,” David said. “Since you’re very sorry, there is something you could do for me. Us. That you could do for us.”

* * *

The wedding was amazing. Alexis totally cried during the ceremony, and gave a totally hilarious speech to kick off the reception, and settled in at her dinner table with just a teeny bit of relief. Ted was home, and David was safely married, and now there was nothing else to worry about.

On her table—on every table—was a giant centerpiece of ranunculus so delicate the white petals looked tinged blue.

Alexis overheard Patrick ask about it once, after dinner. “I thought Linda said ranunculus were out of season.”

“She did,” David said. “These might not be from Linda.”

“Huh,” said Patrick. “Were these the ones that came with the card, this morning? The card that just said _Sorry_ with no signature?” 

“Maybe.” Alexis didn’t think she’d ever seen David smile that big. “Are you gonna make me tell you?”

“Maybe,” Patrick said, and Alexis had to look away. They weren’t even kissing, they just looked—so happy. They looked happy.

“Come on,” she told Ted, and dragged him over to the dance floor. Something slow was playing, the dance floor mostly taken over by old people and Patrick’s little cousins, but as she wound her arms around Ted’s neck and swayed back and forth, she couldn’t think of anywhere she’d rather be.

After a minute, she said, “I’m glad you’re okay.”

“I’m glad I’m okay too,” Ted said, and brought her hand up for a kiss. He was showered and trimmed and looked very nice in his suit, and she could hardly remember the bedraggled Ted of yesterday except for how it kind of seemed burned on the back of her eyelids.

“I mean, I’m glad it’s over,” she said.

“Mm,” Ted said.

She pulled back to look at him. “Are you—aren’t you glad it’s over?”

“Oh, definitely,” Ted said. “Definitely glad it’s over, very glad, yes.”

“Okay,” she said, frowning. “Good. We’re both glad it’s over.”

“Yep,” Ted said, pulling her in again. “We’re both very glad.”

They danced in silence.

“It was kind of exciting, though,” Ted said in her ear. “I mean, a little bit.”

Alexis could feel her whole face turn into a goofy smile. “A little bit fun.”

“Just a little bit.” He kissed her ear. “Let’s never do it again.”

“Never,” Alexis said. She couldn’t stop grinning. “It’s my turn to be kidnapped next.”

Ted stumbled, and she steadied him. “Right. Uh, okay, here’s a thought: next time let’s get kidnapped together.” 

She leaned her head on his shoulder. “It’s a deal.”

She couldn’t wait.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much to leupagus for helping me figure out what on earth I was doing with this - this story literally wouldn't exist if you hadn't let me ramble at you about it and cheered me on when I whined. And thank you tdkeh for correcting my Tim Hortons grammar! 
> 
> Things I learned while writing this fic: yes, you really can break duct tape around your wrists like that; the mafia actually has a long and storied history in Montreal; the penguins of the Galapagos islands are the only penguins found north of the equator; and down the street from the Tim Hortons mentioned in this story is a business called Rebelles et Vagabondes and it is a barber shop and I genuinely want to visit Montreal just to go there.


End file.
